


In the Bleak Midwinter

by lady_simoriah



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depressing Themes, Depression, Grief, M/M, Past minor character death, Post-Episode: s12e20 Twigs and Twine and Tasha Banes, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 01:14:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13225107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_simoriah/pseuds/lady_simoriah
Summary: Sam is called out on the longest night of the year to save an old friend and perhaps himself from the depths of grief.





	In the Bleak Midwinter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [themegalosaurus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/themegalosaurus/gifts).



> Thank you to the spn_j2_xmas mods for their patience when it came to me pulling this story together and to kisahawklin for beta-ing it for me. I tried to incorporate both silent night as well as snow was falling, snow on snow from the poem/carol In the Bleak Midwinter especially because of the final line of the poem, "Yet what can I give him, give my heart." I genuinely hope that themegalosaurus will like it and apologize for taking so long to post. Hope you had a happy and blessed holiday season and are looking forward to a Happy New Year!

Some of the hardest nights in Sam's life began with an unexpected phone call. This cold, crisp night in late December was no exception. The call had come out of the blue two days ago from a friend that Sam hadn't seen or heard from since the night said friend had lost his entire family.

"I need you, Sam. I need you to come to Salem, New Hampshire..."

"Max, when...why me?"

"Yule and you’re the only one I trust with this."

Sam's blood ran cold at Max's harsh, shuddery breath as he'd inhaled and exhaled before continuing.

"You're the only one I can think of who'd understand."

Sam swallowed hard and promised to meet Max at the coordinates he'd texted. He hated lying to Dean about his reasons for the road trip considering they were in the midst of searching for Jack amid sporadic updates from Castiel wherever he was but he knew from the sound of Max's voice that it was best to keep him in the dark for now.

 _'Best to beg forgiveness than ask permission and deal with the barrage of questions or worse, the insistence on riding along,'_ thought Sam as he drove through the darkness in one of the cars from the bunker's garage.

In the twenty four hours before his departure, Sam spent almost every waking hour checking his phone for further calls or messages from Max or researching the significance behind Yule and Mystery Hill, where he was headed now. He checked into a motel in Salem and picked up more brochures about the place which had him even more worried about what Max had gotten himself into the longer he went without hearing from the young witch-hunter. He braced against the bitter cold air when he finally climbed out of the car dreading the half-mile trek up to the stones. He was about halfway up the steep rocky trail when he smelled it, the thick scent of wood smoke and cinnamon from something burning. He froze momentarily, memories bombarding him of watching loved ones burn either on a funeral pyre or worse, a ceiling. The acrid tang of flesh was absent though, and that had him finding the courage to keep moving forward despite how uneasy he was about what he was walking into.

"Hello, Sam."

"Max."

The name was little more than a hoarse exhale as Sam emerged from the trail into the area known as America's Stonehenge. He brought his hand up to cover his mouth as he approached Max slowly from behind, his gaze flicking from the man in front of him to the bonfire that had been set using a pile of wood that was eerily similar in shape to a body. A cold shock that had nothing to do with the bone chilling cold around them went through him as he recognized the shape on the pyre from the hunt that had ended so terribly badly almost a year ago.

"Max," he breathed softly.

"I tried...I tried to save her but..."

Sam felt a lump rise in his throat as he cautiously moved to stand at Max's side. He looked at the younger man's face and saw the same emotion he'd seen and felt what seemed like a million times in his life. The flames from the pyre reflected in his eyes, giving them the illusion of brightness and masking the pain lurking within. He knew that pain, had experienced it not that long ago on a sandy beach as he'd watched one of their best friends as well as an innocent woman be reduced to ash. He thought that Alicia was gone as well but obviously he'd been wrong, Max must have taken the deal the witch had offered in a vain attempt to salvage the only family he had left.

 _'You've got no room to talk, Winchester,'_ he thought to himself.

Demon deals, demon blood, round and round he and Dean had spun and likely would for the rest of their lives until eventually Death put a stop to it for good. He wrinkled his nose when the fire finally reached the only part of the real Alicia that remained, the smell of burning flesh he'd missed before joining the party, albeit briefly.

"I'm sorry, Max," he murmured, unsure what else to say.

His fingers curled and released the urge to reach out to the young man at his side growing stronger the longer the fire burned though he wasn't sure if his touch would be welcome.

"Don't be," responded Max, "I had a choice. I took the deal."

Sam couldn't help the way a full body shudder ran through him at the mention of a deal. Max's words and expression were eerily similar to the one he remembered seeing in the mirror nine years ago. He remembered looking at that face over and over and over again while an archangel in Trickster clothing had tried to teach him the ugly truth about deals and grief to try and stop the apocalypse. He wrapped his arms more tightly around himself, partially to settle the sudden churning fear in his gut and partially due to the way the cold was making itself at home in his bones as the fire ebbed down to ashes.

"Max..."

"You should go, Sam."

"Max, no..."

For the first time since Sam had arrived in the standing stone circle, he found himself looking Max in the face. He could see the toll the months had taken on him and the way the mirth that had once made Sam blush had fled from his eyes.

"Go home, Sam," rasped Max. "Tell Dean he was right."

Sam swallowed hard, beginning to realize the real reason that Max had called him. He looked around into the growing darkness, half expecting to see something in the shadows or hear the haunting yet piercing sound of a hellhound somewhere in the distance. When neither seemed to manifest, he returned his gaze to Max, searching him from head to toe to make sure he wasn't carrying a gun or something else to hasten his departure to hell and complete the deal he'd made when taking the witch's ring to save Alicia. He exhaled a slow shuddering breath of his own and looked down at his feet before returning his gaze to meet Max's.

"Come with me and you can tell him yourself," he responded hoarsely.

He offered up a silent prayer to Chuck regardless of whether or not he was listening that Max would come with him rather than join his twin. After the string of losses that had peppered the last few months, he wasn't sure he could withstand another. It hadn't been easy being strong for the few weeks too long that Castiel had been dead and in the Empty but he'd forced himself to be the one to keep it together because otherwise the combined unchecked grief of two Winchesters would likely have brought the world down in flames. He refused to let Max go without a fight regardless of whether or not they were ever able to restart the flirtation that had begun at Asa Fox's wake.

"I'm not...I'm not leaving here without you, Max," he rasped. "You called me. You brought me here because no matter how bad it hurts, you're not ready to go yet."

He felt something cold and damp hit his cheek followed by another and another and for a moment he thought that it might be tears, that the dam that'd been holding everything back for so long had cracked. He reached up and touched his cheek then turned his gaze from Max up to the sky. There was no moon, no stars, just a deep darkness that was suddenly punctuated by powdery flakes of fresh snow. Somehow the fact that it was snowing just reminded him how cold it was especially now that the fire of Alicia's wooden body was nothing more than ashes that would be scattered in the snow come the dawn. He returned his gaze to Max's vacant stare and took a hastily calculated risk as he moved to close the gap between them.

"Max..."

"Don't. Sam...I'm..."

"Don't say it," huffed Sam. "You're not cursed. You're not a threat to me or Dean, no more than anything or anyone else is."

"But..."

"Max, if we stay out here much longer we're both going to freeze. You can yell, scream, and fight me all you want when it comes to going back to Kansas but unless you want both of us to die out here without Dean knowing we need to go, now."

Sam watched Max blink slowly once then again as the gravity of the situation began to settle in and pulled the young witch back from the cliff of despair he was hanging from at least for one night. He gave into the impulse to reach out to Max, taking hold of his hands which were almost painfully cold even compared to his own icy digits. He drew Max in closer, sharing what body warmth he still had in the hopes of thawing not only Max's hands but also his heart.

"Come with me, Max," he murmured. "I need you."

He kept his eyes focused on Max’s, hoping against hope that he was getting through whatever barriers Max had put up around himself in the months since he'd last seen the witch. He thought back over the string of losses that had culminated with their mom and felt a lump rise in his throat as he spoke.

"I can't...I can't lose anyone else. Not this year. Can't do it."

He didn't even realize that Max's hands had slipped out of his own until he felt fingers brushing away the snowflakes from his hair. He leaned into that touch, his eyes sliding closed as he chased after that simple gesture like the trees around them would be reaching for the growing sunlight once the days grew longer.

"Okay," rasped Max. "Okay..."

Sam exhaled slowly and allowed his head to tip forward to lean against Max's, his warm breath fanning against Sam’s face.

"Okay," he breathed.

He wasn't sure how long it was before they finally pulled themselves together and headed back down the trail to where Sam's car was parked.

"Wait," murmured Max.

Sam was reluctant to let Max go too far from his side for fear of him taking off into the world again but he leaned against the car and waited as Max crossed to the Jeep that had once been his and Alicia's mode of transportation. It was bittersweet to watch as Max collected what belongings he had from the Jeep as well as whatever mementos he wanted of Alicia before returning to Sam's side. Sam opened the door and popped the trunk for Max to stash his things then glanced toward the Jeep one last time.

"We can come back for it..." he began.

"No, no, I've got everything I need."

Sam nodded and made a mental note to reach out to Jody while Max was asleep to have someone take custody of the Jeep. He reached out his hand, drawing Max back in close to him and bringing his frigid hands to his lips. He blew across Max's fingertips then lifted his gaze to meet Max's which seemed to be focused not on their fingers but Sam's lips. He felt his cheeks flush a deeper pink than they already were from the cold air as he remembered back to when he'd first met Max. His lips parted to say something only for Max to close the slight gap between them, their lips meeting briefly before Max pulled back like he'd been shocked.

"We should go," rasped Max.

"Yeah..."

Sam waited until Max was in the car and buckled in before joining him and locking the doors. He stole one last glance at Max to make sure he was really there before driving away through the silent night back to the motel in Salem to try and sleep before deciding where things would go from here.


End file.
